Jokes
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man starts yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "But look! Although there's nothing left of our cars, we're unhurt. How lucky is that!" The man mutters, "Yes, you're right, but you're still at fault. Women shouldn't be allowed to drive." The woman continues, "And look at this--another miracle. My car is totalled but this bottle of wine didn't break!" She hands him the bottle. He opens it, drinks half the bottle, and hands it back to her. The woman puts the cap back on. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" "No," she says, "I think I'll just wait for the police."
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One day when Dad was home with his 2-year-old daughter, she played with her new teaset. While he was engrossed in the evening news, she brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Dad couldn't wait to show Mom his daughter's new skills. He said, "It's the cutest thing. Just watch." The mom waited and sure enough the little girl came walking down the hall with a cup of tea. Mom watched him drink it down, and then asked, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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The four guys at deer camp had to bunk two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they took turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "You look awful!" He said, "Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night." The third night was Joe's turn. Joe was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The other two couldn't believe it. He looked rested and wide awake. "What happened?" they asked. He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt, and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
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So the excited young father wanted to do everything just right. As he was about the leave the hospital with his wife and newborn son, he asked the doctor, “What time should we wake the little fella up in the morning?”
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Bella was upset. Her fiance Marvin had been to a psychologist who said that Marvin had a pronounced Oedipus complex. Bella wasn’t sure they could have a happy marriage. But her mother said, “Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Look how he loves his mother.”
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Mr. Schmidt, a very wealthy man who had everything money could buy, had always wanted to conduct a symphony. The fact that he knew nothing about
music did not deter him. He went out and hired a big orchestra, brought it into his home, and set about directing it tirelessly. After hours of musical disasters, the cymbalist gave a huge irritated clash. The entire orchestra stopped and Mr. Schmidt himself felt his head vibrating as if it would never stop. Finally, after long minutes, the last echoes of the vibration died away and Mr. Schmidt said, “All right, which one of you wise guys did that?”
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During World War II there was a shortage of cigarettes so when a sign went up, “Unlimited cigarettes–first come, first served,” a long line formed by 6 a.m. One small man well toward the end of the line slowly inched his way forward. Just as he made it to the front and quietly eased in ahead of a large-muscled son of toil who had been first in line since the evening before, the fellow seized him by the collar and threw him back. The little man started again–with a great effort he made small gains until he was once more up to the head of the line. Again the large fellow seized him by the collar and threw him out in the road. The little
fellow lay there stunned for a moment, then gathering his wits, he yelled, “All right, wise guy. Just for that I have half a mind not to open the store altogether!”