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From: Pat
To: all
I just came home after a night of partying and expected to see 7 or more sib e-mails. But shucks. Nothing. Nothing to help me laugh and enjoy myself and to sleep soundly. What the hey is goink on mit youse?
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From: Ciccio
To: Pat
We felt left out since you went partying without inviting us to go with you. Besides, why would we e-mail you when you weren't even home?
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From: Mary
To: all
I wasn't going to respond at all. It just encourages him. MMM
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From: Punky
To: Pat
Pat, nobody wrote to me either. I think I'll go eat worms.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Dear Pat, Sorry about the others letting you down, it's despicable. Um, my computer crashed and my provider had a shut-down just before I temporarily lost my eyesight and all control of my fingers. But right before all that I was thinking, "I should e-mail Pat that joke about the donkey and the poodle because I bet he's looking for e-mails from siblings." So, anyway, sorry about your self-perceived estrangement and, just so you know, the poodle got the last laugh.
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From: Matt
To: all
PPPAAAAATTTT, Oops, I hit the Caps Lock at some point! I love you Pat, even if/when/while you're the true black sheep. Matt
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: hampsters in high heels
Never mind. I don't care if you don't write me. I finally found something I've been searching for. Hope you like it too.
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From: Kevin
To: all
Subject: hampsters in high heels
Not to engage in the practice of law, but the definition of "humor" is like obscenity: "I can't define it but I know it when I see it." It will be difficult to establish guidelines for what is humorous and therefore banned. For example, apparently Mary thought your hampster shoes were humorous whereas I thought they were an intimate sharing of your foot fetish. K
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From: Matt
To: all
Subject: hampsters in high heels
I really don't know what to say here, Pat. Maybe counseling? Matt
From: P.T.
To: all
You are indeed a good man, Frank, and a good, frank, man. Neither to be confused with a good frankman, the guy who sells all-beef wieners at the ballpark. Sorry I bollixed up (been waiting for a good chance to use that phrase) your phone call yesterday. Something is going on with my phone where sometimes people can hear me but I cannot hear them and sometimes the opposite. I have checked and rechecked my settings and can't seem to find the fault. I didn't call you back because the phone didn't work at all after I threw it at the fireplace.
No, we haven't moved into the new place, just some pretend furniture, paper plates, and plastic silverware. Actually, some of it is silver plasticware and it looks like real silverware until you try to use the fork to stab something really hard like mashed potatoes. Since we have ownership, we are free to hang out there but that usually involves work. Yesterday I cleaned out the gutters and also got to use my pressure washer for about three hours. Today I am walking around in the shape of an inverted L. Love, P.T.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: speaking of phones
Hi to All,
I am headed for the great north, to do some Amish stuff for a few days, so I will be out of touch. Please try to get along without me. If you find you have to have to contact me, try my cell phone.
Based on my classroom experiences, here's what we are likely to say:
"Hi, what are you doin'?"
"Oh, nothin'. What are you doin?"
"Oh nothin'. Were you surprised I called?"
"Yeah. Were you surprised I answered?"
"Nah. Did you think I'd call?"
"Yeah. Did you think I'd answer?"
"Nah. I thought you'd answer."
"But I didn't answer on the first ring."
"I know. But I didn't think you would. I used the speed dial."
"I know. You always do. But you didn't think I'd answer, did you?"
"Nah. I figured you'd answer. What were you doin' when it rang?"
"Nothin'. What're you doin'?"
"Nothing. You doin anything?"
"Nah, so do you always use speed dial?"
"Yeah, I did, but I'm not doin' nothin' now."
So rather than call me on the cell phone whilst I am on the Canadian border with the Amish, just keep this message, and if you feel like calling, just review the message one more time, and it will be just as if you called me. Thanks. Mark
From: Pat
To: all
P.T., I am still on the fence about your suggestion that we throw Punky into the swimming pool to celebrate her book-writing successes.
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From: Kevin
To: all
Interesting that Punky was left out of this chain of emails (don't worry, I cc'd her here).
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From: P.T.
To: all
Way to let the cat out of the bag.
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From: Punky
To: all
Nix nix on the pool thing.
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From: Pat
To: all
Okay. I think P.T. got the message and he and the rest of us big strong guys respect your wishes on that pool thing. So I guess I like your idea best now, Ciccio.
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From: Matt
To: all
We'll be very close to the river AND the big dam Friday evening.
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From: Punky
To: all
Troublemaker! I'm tying myself to a tree as soon as I get there.
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From: Pat
To: all
Don't worry, Punky. For your enjoyment and pleasure I want you to know that we abandoned plans to overpower you and toss you into Kennedy lake. Matt brought to our attention that we won't be at Kennedy Lake so some other place will have to do.
From: Pat
To: all
Matt, Since we are picking nit tonight I feel compelled to try to change the culture here and actually GET SERIOUS. You shan't steal words that, by general sibling acclamation (GSA), belong to someone else. In the instant case, you boldly used Punky's "ha" (although you misspelled it as "haa"). Please respect the property of others. Mary, for protecting Punky please credit my account with 100% of today's family ration of points. Thanks.
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From: Pat
To: all
Matt, here is just one example of Punky's recent use of "Ha." She wrote this the night before New Year's day:
"Oh Paddy dear. I miss your non-stop talk so very much that, as odd as it may seem, I just felt the need to write. Today I was making my run down the mountain and a very scary thing happened. I was humming the third bar of Walt Disney's "Toad's Wild Ride" and actually went off the road, slid sideways, while the rear of my Subby sheared off a 3-year-old Christmas tree just 3" above the ground. I then crashed over a small boulder and ended up in a perfect position as a county dump truck approached me. Ha!"
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From: Kevin
To: all
I think you made that up, Pat. It doesn't sound like Punky's driving. Ha! K
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From: P.T.
To: all
Kevin, when Punky drives there is no sound. Well, except for the sonic boom and the screaming.
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From: Pat
To: all
I assume Punky wouldn't mind my sharing another tidbit from her "Ha" e-mail:
"I've read, in the literature, where people become addicted to Walt Disney's "It's a Small Small World" and actually get counseling for it. Ha! Not me! But I can tell you confidentially that I have been seeing Bruce Glyphtahl, MSW, for a little hitch in my gittalong. Seems I developed a slight addiction to Disneyworld's "Toad's Wild Ride." I'd tell David I was heading in to the city of Angels to see an editor at the LA Times but I'd scoot over to Anaheim and buy a 20-pak of tickets for Toad's Wild Ride. Last week security had to escort me off the premises. I guess some kids were complaining that I never really ever got off. I don't know what it is, but, oh my, I love that ride. I can go as fast as I want, as recklessly as possible and never get in an accident. Ha!"
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
I wanted to shoulder my responsibiliy to sell these books and, in the process, received a very interesting e-mail today:
"Dear Pat, I can't tell you how much I loved reading your book. As you might guess, at the end of my day (hoho, there really isn't an end to my day but for your purposes I'll just say that) I am quite tired (hoho, there is no "tired" given my makeup) I so I enjoy just 45 minutes of reading your book before I retire (hoho, I don't actually retire but I do something else that you wouldn't understand given you don't even have a clue as to what infinity is). I was going to make it required reading for the 300 million "Americans" but instead I was asked by a couple of friends of yours up here to expand that to the 6,800,000,000 humans on Earth at this moment. Thought you'd be pleased. God"
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: our book
I sent a follow-up announcement to the Rachael Ray show today. I am beginning to think they don't like men. I have had no response at all.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: our book
What the hey! The book is already out of stock at Amazon? Please tell me they had a million copies.
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From: Matt
To: all
Subject: our book.
That is so cool. I haven't even tried to find our book anywhere except in the break room at my office. I am so thankful for my stash of books that aren't in some altered reality called XLIBRIS or AMAZON.
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: our book
Punky, at a book signing, do we give away the books or do they buy them?
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
Mark, thanks for talking Ciccio out of using that sign he drew up for use at Book Expo America. Although it solved the dilemma as to whether to sell or give away the books it probably wouldn't have been prudent.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: our book
A friend at work bought two of our books from amazon.com and I signed them for her. She specifically stated that she wanted me to get the whole commission from the sale. I thought I better note this now, so that Kevin or Paul or someone like them does not try to claim 1/7 (without Pat) or 1/8 (with Pat) of the commission.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
I see it starting to happen just like in the movies--families bickering and breaking up over money. Remember, we are talking about just 1/8th of 19 cents.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: our book
Dear Family,
I am concerned about Punky's activities regarding amazon.com.
If you go to amazon.com and search for "Maggio," which many of my admirers are now doing, you will find that three of Punky's books come up AHEAD of the family book. Where's the love? Where's the loyalty?
"How to Say It" and "The Art of Talking to Anyone" are ahead of us in the search, even though their sales ranks are worse than ours--one is 186,000 and the other is 80,000 whereas the family book is 67,000, a much better rank.
I should add that one of her book versions is ranked about 6,000, but it should not really count because she has so dang many versions out there it is misleading. For example "The Art etc. etc." has an old version, a new version, a borrowed version, a blue version, a paper cover, a really thick paper cover version, a hardback book, a kindle version, a kindling version, a kidlings' version, and so on. So somehow she is bollixing up the works, and I think it is not fair.
She knows more than she is letting on. Does anyone else get that impression?
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From: Kevin
To: all
Subject: our book
Hi, Mark. I don't know if she knows more than she's letting on. Sometimes after talking to her, I know less at the end of the conversation than I did at the beginning. Is that bollixing? K
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: our book
Well, you know what I think of amazon.com. There are 2 things I don't like: aMAZON AND fACEBOOK. i THINK i AM GOING TO START A LIST. Okay, looking up, I see I have been attacked by the Caps Lock key. That is #3.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: our book
Dear Punky,
What do you intend to do about our terrible rankings on amazon.com.? Explain yourself.
Why is it, and how do you explain it, that the "Rosalie" line of books is way outselling our book (like Letters for Every Troublesome Person, How to Say It, Why to Say It, and so on)?
We are down to 144,780 rank for the book for people who want to read it, and even for people who just want to use it for Kindling, we are ranked at 54,564.
Also, on the kindling site, there are no reviews. Do any of you have friends with a fireplace, or if you are in Hispanic areas, a chiminea? Can you give them a couple books, and then after they've used them, ask them to write a review on the kindling site.
This is awful. How can I sleep tonight? My self image, like Pat's, is taking a terrible beating every time I look at those darned rankings.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
Mark, I was actually onto Rosalie when I was attending Corpus Christi. We would talk and talk but she kept her real inner feelings deeply buried. The only way she'd tell me what she really thought is if I did her book run to the library for her. Before I had a driver's license it took a long time to walk into town to the library. When I returned with the books, I found her quite affable and she answered any questions I might have, even my perennial big big question, "When you get to the edge of the universe what is next?"
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: our book
Dear Punky, Thanks for the speedy attention to this matter. I was wistfully hoping your reply would be more along the lines of "Again! That is the third shipment of 1 million books they have gone through. I just can't seem to get those books printed fast enough!" Something like that...
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject:
I had this guy's sister in the office today. She said he has also written a book, something about the street he grew up on. I used this as an entry to bring up our book and I felt good about myself, dammit. I feel like I might be on the verge of grasping this marketing thing. I have to pace myself, though: after verge comes edge, then cusp, then brink, then threshold... It might be a while. Love, P.T.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
I wouldn't respond to that one e-mail we got. I recognize the name as a left-handed mass murderer from Massachusetts. Funny how our book appeals to all kinds.
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: our book
Pat, See the attached photo. This doesn't look like a mass murderer.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: our book
They never do, except maybe Charles Manson.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: hardback and the flea
I'm just a waggin my tail as my 5 new hardback copies of the book arrived and were waiting on my desk this morning. I'm so proud of publishing that book. I'm sorta like the flea riding on the axle of the stagecoach who says "Look at all the dust I'm stirring up!"
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
I want to agree with every single thing brother Maggio said except for that North East South West stuff. My world consisted of hiding under the horse racing machine so I set all my directions based on where the coin feeder was located, which to this day I believe was north. Now that I reminisce I wonder how I tolerated my older brother (for the sake of keeping peace in the family I won't actually say his manme) as he used to tell Mom where I was hiding all the time.
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From: P.T.
To: all
At least you HAD a horse racing machine to hide under. By the time we came along we had to hide under actual horses. And believe me, you learned quickly never to hide under the south end of a northbound horse. The north end is where the corn slot was, the south end had the corn return.
Now quit raising all that dust or you gonna get yourself kicked off the stagecoach.
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From: Ciccio
To: P.T.
Paul, That is about the cleverest statement I have ever heard!
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From: P.T.
To: all
Date: May 5, 2010
Aw, shucks. Love, El Mismo del Cinco de Mayo
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From: Punky
To: all
Oh, but we love our little flea, don't we, everybody?
Everybody?
Hello?
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From: Pat
To: all
Readers have all "shed a tear" while reading our book. I wonder what part of the book causes that.
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Pat, Most of the tears are for you on your Camp Foster debut.
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From: Matt
To: all
Roger that! The black squirrel is in Pat's cage, over. Let's not include Camp Foster in our next book! Matt
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From: P.T.
To: all
Wait just a minute here, Bucko! I caught that subliminal suggestion about "our next book." What's this "our" thing, do you have a mouse in your pocket?
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From: P.T.
To: all
Did you see that amazon.com is selling our book as a package with something called with something called "Old Filth" by Jane Gardam. I don't know why that is. Our book is not dirty except the part about Matt looking like a walleye with a crew cut.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Mary, I am wondering if you have heard back from Gary Keillor yet? (He likes me to call him Gary.)
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From: Punky
To: all
Subject: our book
Royalties are now up over $40. That's five bucks apiece. I already know what I'm gonna do with mine.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: our book
Pat told me he wanted to donate his royalties to the rest of the family.
Thanks, Pat. It is the right thing to do.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: our book
This afternoon was my appointment with a local bookstore. The very nice owner tells me she has already sold three of our books, and she seems genuinely excited. Evidently, there is a retail pattern such that when someone special-orders a book, they are usually not crack-heads, and they can read, and they might buy other gifty crap when they come in the store to pick up the special order. On the gifty crap, the mark-up is 400,000% (relative to the Chinese Dong). So this is a happy event.
As I am standing at the counter, some woman comes in to pick up our book that she special-ordered! Jokingly (and this was probably a mistake) I mentioned that when the famous Rap Artist Forty-five Cents (45 to his friends) is asked for autographs, and if you are a 15-year-old girl, and if he is out on parole at the time, he indicates that you have to "go home" with him before he will sign the autograph. From that point on, things did not go well.
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From: nephew Cass
To: all
hehehe very funny, good stuff all! How do we ensure our e-mails don't end up on the site or in another book? ;)
I updated my e-mail signature, just in case:
The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, this information or especially by posting on www.theeightofus.com or www.piecesofeightbook.com is strictly prohibited, unless of course a handsome sum is offered and agreed to. If you received this in error, please contact the sender and delete the material from any computer.
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From: Mark
To: all
Dear Cass,
In your disclaimer, I am pretty sure I take offense to your reference to our emission and insemination or any other actions like that. How do you know we are even doing that? It seems a tawdry thing to mention in a disclaimer.
Please think about removing that clause. I would not want you to become the outcass of the family. Mark
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From: Pat
To: Cass
Whoa. Matching wits with Professor Mark is a very tall order indeed. Where's the popcorn?
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: our book
Pat wonders if his birth date appears anywhere in the book.
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From: Mary
To: all
Subject: our book
I don't think it does, but we could have business cards made out with Pat's birthday prominently placed. Maybe in bold. I don't know why he wants this but if it makes him happy, it makes me happy. MMM
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: our book
Good idea, Mary. I have the cards printed already. I only did cards for Pat. On the front side of our table, I will have a sort of banner with all of us listed. Since Pat is the most interesting, I will list him first and probably use larger letters. I know that he will approve.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: our book
And why not?
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From: Kevin
To: all
Subject: our book
Don't forget his social security number!
From: Pat
To: all
Re: our get-together in June
Thanks to Matt and Mary for lighting this reunion fuse. I'm loath to ask any favors but I thought it would be hilarious to invite LL and ask her to explain how it was that when I went to pick her up for the St. Edmond Prom her mom told me that Ciccio had just left--"...my, not more than 15 minutes ago, to take her to a submarine-watching picnic at Kennedy Lake."
Hidden hostilities drove me later that warm summer night when I tied a string booby trap from the radiator, across his walking path, to the foot of the bed in the basement. As Carol Burnett likes to say, someone must've blown out my pilot light because I laughed so hard I fell asleep and when it went off and Ciccio came back down from the ceiling he beat the bejesus out of me.
I'm bored.
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: reunion
I feel a little amplification is in order here. Pat was taped to the hood of Mamma's 1954 black-and-white Pontiac and thus unavailable to take LL to the prom. I just filled in for him.
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From: Mary
To: all
Subject: reunion
Focus.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: reunion
Could you repeat the question, please?
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From: Punky
To: all
Subject: reunion
Mary, I wondered where you'd been! And all this time you were planning fun stuff for us. Well, I don't mind.
Count me in. I had to wait until I saw what Ciccio was doing, but if he's not coming, I guess it's safe for me to sign up. Love, P.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: reunion
Count me in, too, subject to when and where it will be held. I'm unable to satisfy Mary's admonition to "focus" yet.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: reunion
Hi Mark, You can count us (me) for a reunion at your farm unless it becomes absolutely impossible, or maybe reasonably impossible, or maybe I just wake up that morning and decide I don't need no stinkin' road trip. I wonder if your sheep would mind, or if you would mind, if we bring our house wolf. She has been to your farm before and has never come away with wool in her teeth.
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Subject: reunion
I don't recall seeing the original get-together announcement. But Punky was kind enough to include me on her RSVP. So I would like to say that I am also in. I would, however, like to know what I am in for! Your really nice brother, Ciccio
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: impending fun
Dear Sistah Mary,
Thanks so much for the organizational efforts. You'd make a good cat rancher. I have absolutely no idea where my baby picture is. In fact, I don't know where fully two-thirds of my belongings are at this point. If you don't mind, I'll have Terry take a picture of me naked on a blanket and submit that.
Love, P.T.
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From: Mark
To: all
Subject: I'm changing the subject (so sue me)
Paul, In the forwarded message you sent from your Realtor Julie, she insulted the size of my browser, and then locked up and refused to do anything. I don't take criticism well.
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: motel accommodations
Mary, Thanks for making all the arrangements, and a special thanks for giving me a queen. Is she cute?
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From: Ciccio
To: all
Pat, I get 2 (two) queens in my room! I would send you a picture but don't want to make you feel inferior. Me
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From: Pat
To: all
Subject: motel accommodations
Dear Mary, I object to Mark's turndown of a room. He should not have to drive back to the farm every night. Can you take a vote and see if there might be a majority "Yea" to force him to stay in the room? If his problem is the queen you got him (lordy, lordy, he hasn't even seen her yet) perhaps you could give her money back and cancel her out.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: motel accommodations
I'm not quite sure what Pat just said, but I kinda think I like it and so I agree with him. FYI, that's also how I vote in elections.
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From: Matt
To: all
Subject: don't you guys ever sleep?
Good night Markie boy, good night Punky-sister, good night Ciccio-grown-up, good night Peeeteee-need I say more, good night Mary-good woman, good night Kevin-brother, good night Pat-man, and all of the Waltons. Love, Matt
From: PT
To: all
Subject: Friday night
Mary, I like your pictures better than Kevin's.
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: Sunday morning
Did you hear what Kevin said about Pat?
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From: P.T.
To: all
Did I tell you I am taking classes at the local tech school? Their wedge-driving classes are really fun, and I think I am getting the hang of it.
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From: Kevin
To: all
P.T., Have you practiced your wedge-driving skills with your wife and daughters? K
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From: P.T.
To: all
Interesting you should ask. When the daughters were in their early- to mid-teens and beyond, there was this auto-wedge phenomenom going on. There was no need for my skills because I saw a remarkable and bipartisan daily wedging. Now that the daughters are off on their own, I am free to practice my trade on others less suspecting and, perhaps, more willing. Bwwahhahahaha.
From: P.T.
To: all
You know how the "B" and the "N" are side by side on a keyboard? That makes it incredibly easy to misspell "Dentist" as "Debtist." I know Mr. Qwerty is dead by now, but I bet if I could ask him he'd say "That was no accident."
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From: Ciccio
To: all
That's not nearly as bad as the F and the D being side by side. just think of how careful the guy must be who writes the "Duck Quarterly" magazine.
From: Mark
To: all
Subject: Dad's well
Dad's well is still alive. I found the county record showing it was drilled January 1, 1951, and is 635' deep. Good old well. It served us, uh, well.
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From: Punky
To: all
Subject: Dad's well
Is this impressive or something?
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From: P.T.
To: all
Subject: Dad's well
Weren't you paying attention? That is Dad's last well ... and testament.
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